I’ve been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately. I
mentioned it in my interview with Jen Hritz. I think about it in terms of my
characters in The Geodesy Series. I’ve
seen it in my brave friend, Aideen Walsh who published her autobiography. I
watched one of my actors embrace it in the photo shoot for the book covers and trailers.
I even counseled a single-mom friend to accept it on the day she moved when she
went outside to find her truck had two flat tires. And yet NOTHING makes me so
uncomfortable.
I like to think about life in terms of Strength and Weakness.
I have described Stellar Navigation as
Elena’s struggle with those opposing forces, but now I think that description
is inaccurate. Elena’s problem is that she feels vulnerable, and she wants to
feel strong. She thinks that one precludes the other. Poor Elena (poor Sue)! It took me half my life to figure out that
weakness and vulnerability are not synonyms.
In fact nothing takes more strength than allowing yourself to be
vulnerable.
Let’s take my friend Aideen’s book as an example. She is not
a writer by trade, and if you met her on the street, you might notice her Irish
brogue and the twinkle in her eyes, but you wouldn’t walk away thinking she was
particularly strong or terribly weak as a human. But her story is an intense
demonstration of human strength and vulnerability (not weakness). Furthermore, the fact that
she has put her story out there for the world to see a testament to her
strength because that kind of exposure leaves her so vulnerable. Yet she has
embraced that exposure rather than shying from it. Amazing! Poetic!
And I appreciate it, but ARGH it makes my palms sweat and my
head spin to think about the world knowing any details about my life aside from
the externals. And being in the presence of vulnerability makes me . . . hide. Bear
with me while I set the scene. At my photo shoot this week, I sent all of the
actors out of the room except Jeremy (the actor playing Ethan). I needed shots
of Ethan sucking his thumb since that is such an integral part of the
character, but I didn’t know how to ask my actor to do that. I hemmed and hawed
and fumbled. Finally, my photographer, Paul Woodruff, stepped up and explained
what I wanted in the gentlest and deepest way. Not only did my actor get it
intellectually, but he proceeded to really get into the character and
demonstrate the vulnerability that I desperately wanted to capture for this
character. It was so achingly honest that I couldn’t watch while Paul took the
pictures. In fact it took me two days to really look at the proofs, which left
me breathless. It must have taken a lot
of strength for Jeremy to be that exposed.
(I don’t think I could have done this in a million years).
And yet I admire vulnerability. It’s an elusive lesson that
has dogged me my whole life. My friend Lacey, who is frighteningly like me,
woke up on moving day to find her truck with not one, but two flat tires and an
empty bank account. I saw her two days later and she said, “It all turned out
fine thanks to all my friends who came to my rescue, but damn I hate to be
rescued! And I just wonder what I am supposed to be learning here.” I jumped
right in, like I do, to explain how vulnerable we all are and how it’s hard for
people like her (and me) to admit that by asking for help. Her eyes lit up and
she thanked me for my take. I walked away and thought about how awful it must
have been for her to make those calls, how much strength it takes to be
vulnerable.
Now to the point: I am here writing this, making myself vulnerable
only because it is so damn hard and it takes so much f_ing strength to do it. I
am here growing as a human and a writer because of the people who so
beautifully and poetically trust me (and the world) enough to be vulnerable.
I will pass this one to Elena and all my readers now. Thanks Aideen, Jeremy,
Lacey! Lesson learned.
Read the Interview with Jen Hritz at: http://jenniferhritz.com/
See the photos of Jeremy as Ethan
at: https://www.facebook.com/geodesy.series
Get
Aideen’s Autobiography at: http://www.amazon.com/Peeling-Onion-Aideen-Walsh-ebook/dp/B00H8XCD3Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392807447&sr=8-1&keywords=aideen+walsh
